Tag Archives: Autistic Traits

Tenth of Asperger’s Ten Traits – Functioning nearly executes us…

Exec Func 2

“10) We have difficulty with executive functioning. The way we process the world is different. Tasks that others take for granted, can cause us extreme hardship. Learning to drive a car, to tuck in the sheets of a bed, to even round the corner of a hallway, can be troublesome. Our spatial awareness and depth-awareness seems off. Some will never drive on a freeway, never parallel park, and/or never drive. Others will panic following directions while driving. New places offer their own set of challenges. Elevators, turning on and off faucets, unlocking doors, finding our car in a parking lot, (even our keys in our purse), and managing computers, electronic devices, or anything that requires a reasonable amount of steps, dexterity, or know-how can rouse in us a sense of panic. While we might be grand organizers, as organizing brings us a sense of comfort, the thought of repairing, fixing, or locating something causes distress. Doing the bills, cleaning the house, sorting through school papers, scheduling appointments, keeping track of times on the calendar, and preparing for a party can cause anxiety. Tasks may be avoided. Cleaning may seem insurmountable. Where to begin? How long should I do something? Is this the right way? Are all questions that might come to mind. Sometimes we step outside of ourselves and imagine a stranger entering our home, and question what they would do if they were in our shoes. We reach out to others’ rules of what is right, even in isolation, even to do the simplest of things. Sometimes we reorganize in an attempt to make things right or to make things easier. Only life doesn’t seem to get easier. Some of us are affected in the way we calculate numbers or in reading. We may have dyslexia or other learning disabilities. We may solve problems and sort out situations much differently than most others. We like to categorize in our mind and find patterns, and when ideas don’t fit, we don’t know where to put them. Putting on shoes, zipping or buttoning clothes, carrying or packing groceries, all of these actions can pose trouble. We might leave the house with mismatched socks, our shirt buttoned incorrectly, and our sweater inside out. We find the simple act of going grocery shopping hard: getting dressed, making a list, leaving the house, driving to the store, and choosing objects on the shelves is overwhelming.”

Used with permission from @everydayaspergers. Originally published in Samantha Croft‘s -now former- blog, Everyday Asperger’s, as The Ten Traits.

Again, adding anything to Sam Croft’s brilliant detailing of the incredible stress caused to individuals with (HF)Autism and Asperger’s by what “others take for granted”, is hardly possible.

Being blessed/cursed with an intellect way beyond average and having stopped apologising about it especially to neurotypicals who think that being smart means wearing certain (otherwise stupidly uncomfortable) clothes, I decided to use my neurobiological compulsion for honesty, for openly appreciating or criticising what’s worth my time and effort…

Well, in Samantha Croft’s case, I hope to have repeatedly made myself loudly clear about how pleased I am to take a bow as many times I read The Ten Traits, considering it a proper diamond in the hard nutshell of understanding the unique individuality of Asperger’s, wholeheartedly recommending it to anyone having started to understand first of all their own, or their loved ones’ neurodivergence.

What’s left for me to write? Some of my own experience, following Sam’s lead.

-“to […] round the corner of a hallway” – Blessed art thou, who don’t need to go around the corner of a simple hallway, firstly by significantly slowing down your pace, secondly by following your path by nearly rubbing your shoulder against the wall opposite that corner, and thirdly even so, managing sometimes to bruise your corner’s side shoulder against it. And if there’s no corner, there will be an open door, the same armchair, coffee table, anything which should be somewhere else… And if there’s nothing in your way, your brain will desperately attempt to find a pattern-like structure to align itself by, in which case everything returns to square one…

-“Some will […] never parallel park” – So here’s my problem: every time I attempt to park my car between other cars, my brain gets short-circuited between using as a reference my door’s inferior window frame, the cars on each side, the cars in front/behind me, continuously disturbed by the crisscrossing pedestrians, the very annoying  but vital noise of my car’s parking sensors, and on top of all my occasional, all-knowing passenger who genuinely wants to help, and for whom I’m thinking of installing a badly needed “eject seat” button…

-“We may have Dyslexia…” – and also Dyspraxia, and Dyscalculia, and Irlen Syndrome, but that doesn’t seem to exclude mastering several languages, several degrees, several musical instruments.

Is there anything else left to say?

Yes:

Aspergers and Ignorance (2)

 

 

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It’s “official”, I am Actually Autistic…

R cube LibThink

Since my last post in June, (I hope 😊) you might have noticed my absence, with only some misty mentions of having been withdrawn in my academic shell, and some even more elusive ‘reason’ for delaying more new posts…

The truth is that I have indeed managed to (I again, hope 😊) successfully complete the very last of my university exams, looking therefore forward to my third degree, this time in Mental Health, and also to November, when I should start my PgCert in ‘Autism and Asperger’s’ at Sheffield Hallam University.

The other, more ‘elusive’ reason, mentioned only in a few, sporadic comments, had actually to do with the outcome of my formal diagnostic assessment for ASD, following sessions in March and June. At the mid-June appointment, the clinician informed me that according to her assessment, I am on the Autistic Spectrum, with a complete diagnosis letter to follow. However, since one of my very specific autistic traits is always following a strict, sequential order of events, I decided to disclose all this, only after receiving the formal letter.

Unfortunately, due to unpredictable circumstances, I received my seven pages formal diagnosis letter only today, of which what matters to me is a clear diagnosis of ASD, specifically “Asperger’s Syndrome […] as described in ICD-10″.

The letter is clear and concise, showing a precise understanding of both what I’ve said, but also what I haven’t, a professionally exact observation of aspects of my non-verbal communication, and to my honest surprise, the mention of my own, several pages long, detailed symptoms summary, which the clinician did consider in my diagnosis.

When asked in June about how do I feel finding out to be Autistic, my first thought was, “angry”…

Angry, about everything I couldn’t do because the “world/society” decided that the way I see, I understand, I feel, I act, I think, I walk, I exist, doesn’t matter outside its own, arbitrarily imposed set of rules for a “greater good/picture” type of forced cohabitation.

But then a second thought emerged, that of “relief”…

I know that “formal diagnosis” is a divisive subject, with personally justifiable pros and cons. In my (un)humble opinion though, a formal diagnosis should be considered rather as a shield, a protective barrier against what may be “societal rules” for the majority of neurotypicals, but are surely experienced as an ongoing abuse by most neurodivergents. In other words, if they want me to live in their world, I am entitled to be shielded against what they consider normal, which is nevertheless utterly abnormal for my brain structure, for me… And yes, for some neurodivergents, the words disorder and syndrome have negative overtones, however, I respectfully agree to disagree with their position. Because since I must live on a wrong planet, I’ll proudly accept the protection I am entitled to, in order to preserve and safeguard what I consider to be my non-repeatable uniqueness.

And if you may wonder what’s that blank Rubik cube about, it’s my unique way of understanding and accepting the only logical use of that cube’s structure, which leads back to its basic structure with each move, without any unnecessary twist of rearranging a pattern of colours deranged with no valid logical reason, besides planning to rearrange them…

Because circular reasoning is not at all a valid form of reasoning.

Eighth of Asperger’s Ten Traits – “Trapped, […] pretending to be normal”

Faceless_Rebel_Morph

“8) We are ourselves and we aren’t ourselves. Between imitating others and copying the ways of the world, and trying to be honest, and having no choice but to be “real”, we find ourselves trapped between pretending to be normal and showing all our cards. It’s a difficult state. Sometimes we don’t realize when we are imitating someone else or taking on their interests, or when we are suppressing our true wishes in order to avoid ridicule. We have an odd sense of self. We know we are an individual with unique traits and attributes, with unique feelings, desires, passions, goals, and interests, but at the same time we recognize we so desperately want to fit in that we might have adapted or conformed many aspects about ourselves. Some of us might reject societal norms and expectations all together, embracing their oddities and individuality, only to find themselves extremely isolated. There is an in between place where an aspie girl can be herself and fit in, but finding that place and staying in that place takes a lot of work and processing. Some of us have a hard time recognizing facial features and memorize people by their clothes, tone of voice and hairstyle. Some of us have a hard time understanding what we physically look like. We might switch our preference in hairstyles, clothes, interests, and hobbies frequently, as we attempt to manage to keep up with our changing sense of self and our place. We can gain the ability to love ourselves, accept ourselves, and be happy with our lives, but this usually takes much inner-work and self-analysis. Part of self-acceptance comes with the recognition that everyone is unique, everyone has challenges, and everyone is struggling to find this invented norm. When we recognize there are no rules, and no guide map to life, we may be able to breathe easier, and finally explore what makes us happy.”

Used with permission from @everydayaspergers. Originally published in Samantha Croft‘s -now former- blog, Everyday Asperger’s, as The Ten Traits.

One of my most intriguing oddities (and I started to adore them all, even when they’re naughty) is the constant failure to recognise my colleagues outside work. Working in a hospital environment requires some sort of uniform, which together with the background provided by the site’s micro- and macro-environment, form the “picture” which an autistic brain memorises.

Now, that wouldn’t be a problem for the neurotypical individual, but it does become a major one for the neurodivergent, because as Samantha brilliantly mentions in her article, autistics seem to memorise people by anything else but their faces. And this oddity doesn’t become obvious until one day, a colleague tells you with a smile/smirk on their faces, that it’s not nice to pass them by at the mall, or another has to stand in your way, looking rather puzzled for the “embarrassing” time your brain needs to remove the previous details from around their faces, implementing them into the new environment, finally triggered by their perplexed voices asking you why would you pretend not to see them?

Been there, done that, now and again, and again, and again…

But the worst of it all, is the involuntary compulsion to act “normal”, switching automatically to puerile excuses of not having seen them, having a headache, being tired, being busy, etc, none of them actually true.

What I am step-by-step realising, is a uniqueness I don’t want to give up anymore, an increasing desire and practical moves to “reject societal norms and expectations all together”, “embracing my oddities and individuality”, caring less and less about finding myself “extremely isolated”, because if that means getting finally isolated from the vain, abusive, infatuated stupidity of “normal” societal details thinking that seeing me is knowing me, it’s more than welcome.

After all, if I am autistic, my world should be myself…

Seventh of Asperger’s Ten Traits – “We simply feel like we’ve landed on the wrong planet”

The-Big-Bang-Theory-Funny-Leonard-Hofstadter-Sheldon-Cooper-Howard-Wolowitz-and-Rajesh-Koothrappali-1600x1200-wide-wallpapers.ne (2)

“7) We are sensitive. We are sensitive when we sleep, maybe needing a certain mattress, pillow, and earplugs, and particularly comfortable clothing. Some need long-sleeves, some short. Temperature needs to be just so. No air blowing from the heater vent, no traffic noise, no noise period. We are sensitive even in our dream state, perhaps having intense and colourful dreams, anxiety-ridden dreams, or maybe precognitive dreams.

Our sensitivity might expand to being highly-intuitive of others’ feelings, which is a paradox, considering the limitations of our social communication skills.

We seek out information in written or verbally spoken form, sometimes over-thinking something someone said and reliving the ways we ought to have responded.

We take criticism to heart, not necessarily longing for perfection, but for the opportunity to be understood and accepted. It seems we have inferiority complexes, but with careful analysis, we don’t feel inferior, but rather unseen, unheard, and misunderstood.

Definitely misunderstood.

At one point or another, we question if in fact we are genetic hybrids, mutations, aliens, or displaced spirits–as we simply feel like we’ve landed on the wrong planet.

We are highly susceptible to outsiders’ view points and opinions. If someone tells us this or that, we may adapt our view of life to this or that, continually in search of the “right” and “correct” way.

We may jump from one religious realm to another, in search of the “right” path or may run away from aspects of religion because of all the questions that arise in theorizing.

As we grow older, we understand more of how our minds work, which makes living sometimes even more difficult; because now we can step outside ourselves and see what we are doing, know how we our feeling, yet still recognize our limitations.  

We work hard and produce a lot in a small amount of time.

When others question our works, we may become hurt, as our work we perceive as an extension of ourselves. Isn’t everything an extension of ourselves–at least our perception and illusion of reality? Sometimes we stop sharing our work in hopes of avoiding opinions, criticism, and judgment.

We dislike words and events that hurt others and hurt animals. We may have collected insects, saved a fallen bird, or rescued pets.

We have a huge compassion for suffering, as we have experienced deep levels of suffering.

We are very sensitive to substances, such as foods, caffeine, alcohol, medications, environmental toxins, and perfumes; a little amount of one substance can have extreme effects on our emotional and/or physical state.”

Used with permission from @everydayaspergers. Originally published in Samantha Croft‘s -now former- blog, Everyday Asperger’s, as The Ten Traits.

Nothing to add, nothing to deduct…

Just perfect.

Thank you Samantha 💐

Third of Asperger’s Ten Traits – Escape Artist, from the World into my Box…

Boxtroll

“3) We are escape artists. We know how to escape. It’s the way we survive this place. We escape through our fixations, obsessions, over-interest in a subject, our imaginings, and even made up reality. We escape and make sense of our world through mental processing, in spoken or written form. We escape in the rhythm of words. We escape in our philosophizing.  As children, we had pretend friends or animals, maybe witches or spirit friends, even extraterrestrial buddies. We escaped in our play, imitating what we’d seen on television or in walking life, taking on the role of a teacher, actress in a play, movie star. If we had friends, we were either their instructor or boss, telling them what to do, where to stand, and how to talk, or we were the “baby,” blindly following our friends wherever they went. We saw friends as “pawn” like; similar to a chess game, we moved them into the best position for us. We escaped our own identity by taking on one friend’s identity. We dressed like her, spoke like her(/him), adapted our own self to her (or his) likes and dislikes. We became masters at imitation, without recognizing what we were doing. We escaped through music. Through the repeated lyrics or rhythm of a song–through everything that song stirred in us. We escaped into fantasies, what could be, projections, dreams, and fairy-tale-endings. We obsessed over collecting objects, maybe stickers, mystical unicorns, or books. We may have escaped through a relationship with a lover. We delve into an alternate state of mind, so we could breathe, maybe momentarily taking on another dialect, personality, or view of the world. Numbers brought ease. Counting, categorizing, organizing, rearranging. At parties, if we went, we might have escaped into a closet, the outskirts, outdoors, or at the side of our best friend. We may have escaped through substance abuse, including food, or through hiding in our homes. What did it mean to relax? To rest? To play without structure or goal? Nothing was for fun, everything had to have purpose. When we resurfaced, we became confused. What had we missed? What had we left behind? What would we cling to next?”

Used with permission from @everydayaspergers. Originally published in Samantha Croft‘s -now former- blog, Everyday Asperger’s, as The Ten Traits.

When I first watched “Boxtrolls” I had no idea what to do with it…

It was one of those instances of a disturbing deja-vu, a pervasive sense of not exactly having seen, not even having been, but rather being still there, here…

And I realised it is the story of me, the great escape artist, escaping not from some box into the welcoming wide open, but from an unfriendly and oppressive “wide open”, into a world where everyone is entitled to the box of their own choice, size, colour, smell…

A world where everyone has a similar, nevertheless unique “box”, where no one criticises the other box tenant for their choice, where the “world above” is of less importance…

As I see it, our individually unique boxes are exactly what makes us fit together. We may not like physical contact and closeness, but in our perfect boxes we are closer than one could imagine, we communicate, we hear, we “feel” each other in inexplicable ways, respectful and sensitive to the openness or unopenness of someone else’s box.

In my box-world it doesn’t matter who you are, as long as you love your box, my box, our boxes; because regardless of how similar the boxes are, inside is comfortably “hiding” a perfect universe’s uniquely autistic inhabitant.

You don’t need to shout, you don’t need to knock, you don’t even need to “understand”. Just respectfully wait by the box you want to better know, until its inhabitant who knows you’re there, comes out, hoping that by that time, you may have hopefully decided to accept and respect whosoever you’ll see…