Fourth of Asperger’s Ten Traits – “We still question our place in the world…”

Brain my World

“4) We have comorbid attributes of other syndromes/disorders/conditions. We often have OCD tendencies (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), sensory issues (with sight, sound, texture, smells, taste), generalized anxiety and/or a sense we are always unsafe or in pending danger, particularly in crowded public places. We may have been labelled with seemingly polar extremes: depressed/over-joyed, lazy/over-active, inconsiderate/over-sensitive, lacking awareness/attention to detail, low-focus/high-focus. We may have poor muscle tone, be double-jointed, and lack in our motor-skills. We may hold our pencil “incorrectly.” We may have eating disorders, food obsessions, and struggles with diet. We may have irritable bowel, Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, and other immune-challenges. We may have sought out answers to why we seemed to see the world differently than others we knew, only to be told we were attention seekers, paranoid, hypochondriacs, or too focused on diagnoses and labels. Our personhood was challenged on the sole basis that we “knew” we were different but couldn’t prove it to the world and/or our personhood was oppressed as we attempted to be and act like someone we were not. We still question our place in the world, who we are, who we are expected to be, searching for the “rights” and “wrongs;” and then, as we grow and realize there are no true answers, that everything is theory-based and limited, we wonder where to search.”

Used with permission from @everydayaspergers. Originally published in Samantha Croft‘s -now former- blog, Everyday Asperger’s, as The Ten Traits.

The world…

Big, scary, noisy, out there, too close, too much…

I remember as a child, that most comparative sentences from my environment started invariably with “Why don’t you …” and ended again, invariably with “… like all other children?” And it wasn’t really the question which bothered me after getting actually used to it, but the “all other” part, which left me wondering about my disgraceful, shameful and guilty inadequacy, which sent me on a consequentially disastrous warpath against myself…

And literally no one, not one single soul, ever slowed down their pursuit of “integrating” me into their world, a world which kept asking me to prove my worth before any chances of acceptance, even trying to police me out of the only place I felt safe, the world of my thoughts…

Today’s no better…

You see, “the world” pragmatically feels entitled to the “us” and “them” divide, but practically denies someone’s right to the “me” and “them” existential paradigm. You are accordingly expected to coerce yourself into becoming either one of “us” or one of “them”, either in “our world” or “their world”, of Oceania, Eurasia or Eastasia, always at war with one or the other…

But do you really “have to”?

Samantha brilliantly left her question unanswered, leaving one to literally “wonder where to search”. Well, I’ll go no further; I’ve found my ultimate refuge, my world…

I’m autistic. Which means my self is my world

And in my world, no “they” are welcome.

Because “they” always claimed to come “in peace”, but left me torn in pieces…

 

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11 responses to “Fourth of Asperger’s Ten Traits – “We still question our place in the world…”

  1. I love your thoughts on this! It’s brilliant! I’m just me, I don’t have to belong to “us” or “them” and I’m fine with that, at least, I’m learning to tell myself that’s fine. I love this so much I’m coming out of my box to give you a high 5 and then returning immediately back to my box. 👋 😆

    Liked by 1 person

    • Absolutely incredible… I’m fuming…
      I’ve just dug out your precious comment from Spam 😬😬😬
      Thank you for mentioning it, because otherwise it would have stayed there…
      So, thank you so much for coming out of your box and the high five, I hope you found me outside my box, and I’ve got my hand with me as well 😉
      That’s exactly how I feel, finally being able to refuse/decline belonging anywhere, saying “no” when I feel like, without caring for consequences, because ‘what’ matters is ME 🙂
      I realise that actually, any contact between people should not be some sort of social obligation, but a privilege one needs to await for…
      And ‘them’ have to really, really wait…
      Mwahahahaha 👾👾👾
      How brave I am inside my box;-)

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I hope inside your world that you are able to block out all the negative looks, words, emotions that ignorant, rude, selfish people try to throw at you.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Very interesting. The “why don’t you’s” were/are absolutely infuriating 🙂
    How do you manage it in a practical sense? A very long time ago my then doctor suggested I design polite phrases to diffuse demands for conformity. The one I use most often is “Thank you very much for your suggestion but I prefer to…”
    That has a very good effect because it makes the speaker understand that what they’re doing is trying to impose their will.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Pink, yes I’ve developed something very similar, but unfortunately the decades of abuse took a toll and by the time I’d say my prepared sentence, my frustration and resentment lashes out, being accused (again) of anger issues, etc. And it’s getting harder and harder, to the point I’m avoiding any contacts that aren’t mandatory because of work, official etc, because I see so much stupidity, that I just can’t leave it unaddressed, even though I should… What I’m thinking and am about to start working at, is a set of cue cards, similar to what autistic children use, which I could use instead of opening my mouth…
      Because it’s mental and sensory overload caused by confusion which is my primary trigger.
      But the act of reaching for the card(s), choosing the right one, reading it for myself, than either handing it over or reading it aloud could have a slowing down effect, and could help…

      Liked by 2 people

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