I am about as autistic as they come.  

Realising that for ME, my own SELF is not “just” a collection of individual characteristics, but a perfect world, opened a whole new chapter in the sometimes painful process of liberating myself from the slavery imposed on me, i.e. the attempt of pleasing my surroundings, the people who claim to see the bigger picture, but miserably fail to see others as vital details of these pictures.
I started to see the absolute value of the SELF, which is not only a person, ME, but also a place which I can identify as “within”, where I can find MYSELF. And I absolutely agree with the writer’s critique of the allistic world; it’s just hard to realise that this world still acts as a trap unless the neurodivergent finds their way back within themselves. And yes, interaction is important for all the practical reasons, but it should be MY choice, not my chain…

Oh, does this make me “selfish”?

Absolutely, and it feels great!

Under Your Radar

solitary figure standing alone with fractal designs in the sky around them

Autos = Greek for “Self”.

-ism = word-forming element making nouns implying a practice, system, doctrine, etc

Autism = extreme practice / system / doctrine of the Self.

Self-referencing.

Self-consulting.

Self-absorbed.

For me, that’s the only — the only  — way I can effectively create. And think. And live.

Other people’s input is fine for them to offer, but it’s for them. Not for me. I cannot abide having input from others into what I’m doing, while I’m doing it. Every now and then, I’ll make an exception for works that are intended for a wider audience. But the works I create for myself, and for the sake of creating — totally, 100% Autistic. and that’s absolutely perfect.

Balance… balance.

The danger, of course, comes from my developed way of relating to the rest of the world. I know I am different. I have no desire to conform…

View original post 690 more words

Curing Autism

Featured Image -- 1102“Autism is a normal neurological variance. Just like being left handed. We need the right scissors, or rather the left ones. “

Autism and expectations

Can we talk about a cure?

There’s a real problem when it comes to Autism, and it’s not to be found in us autistics. It’s to be found in the focus of funding.

Time and time again I see people struggling to get diagnosed, and then struggling when there is so little real support post-diagnosis.

The vast majority of funding appears to be spent on finding a cause for Autism, and studying what it really means neurologically.

I’m not saying those things shouldn’t be funded, but that leaves a tiny percent left for actually supporting people.

I’ve recently seen a disturbing comment by a parent of an autistic child, berating an autistic adult for calling themselves autistic, “You wouldn’t call a child with cancer a cancer child!” is the argument.

I wonder if they know how hurtful and offensive that is? I wonder if they realise that they’re comparing a…

View original post 649 more words

Sensory Overload, my hidden foe (hearing)…

As I have mentioned before, I am going through a process of discovering newer and newer details about my own condition(s), and as a result, I am learning how to better cope with life’s sometimes fair, but oftentimes unfair demands.

In this process, I notice similarities between what I experience and what others experience, therefore if I find anything worth considering for myself, I think it might be useful to share some of these thoughts, of course never as a substitute for professional help.

For many, many years, or better decades, a very distressing incident kept repeating itself, especially in crowded places like shopping centres and supermarkets, with all that cacophony of loud music (why’s that needed in the first place?), trollies, voices of people chaotically racing always too close to me, children’s tantrums, flood of artificial light and the subsonic vibration of industrial fridges. After a short while, I always noticed first some sort of mind-foggy confusion, when the shopping list became my only reality anchor, which rather shortly started to morph into a very uncomfortable anxiety, followed by an intense feeling of distress. Unfortunately, my family had to witness nearly every time, outbursts of anger for absolutely trivial “reasons”, which I -most of the time- blamed on my oftentimes crippling chronic lower-back condition. But, as I noticed sometimes, the lack of pain in my back, didn’t really change much. And because of the intensity of my distress, and the draining effort of coping without causing what from outside looked sometimes like a petty family argument, I never noticed WHY on very rare occasions, even with some back pains present, I could remain socially reasonable (it turns out it was always when we went shopping either very early, or very late, when the shops were nearly empty).

Since realising that I am living on the Autistic Spectrum, displaying nearly all the symptoms of Asperger’s, I started to consciously experiment strategies learned from specialized literature, but also from other Aspies.

One of these strategies was/is protection from Sensory Overload, especially its Audio aspect, my hidden foe.

A few good weeks ago, I started to look around for some good quality earplugs and ear defenders, and started using them (the pictures display my own protective devices).

And the miracle just happened!

It took some time with my earplugs, to learn the tricks of inserting them and taking them out, or adjusting the ear defenders to the -considerable- size of my head, but the miracle happened indeed: I can go shopping without the fear of another meltdown, without chasing my family out of the shop as soon as possible just to escape the audio nightmare, and without the soul scarring guilt of having done it, “again”. And interesting enough, the earplugs allow me to still hear voices and most of sounds, but without that horrendously painful “vibration” which my brain just can’t take…

One more thing I noticed, and that’s about mornings. I usually get up quite early, giving myself time to go through my precise little routines and rituals. I noticed though, that if any family member joined around, minding their own routines, it made me feel anxious and distressed. First I thought that I might be their interference with my established routes of routine, but for the past few days, I noticed that it may be something else. For some reason, I plugged my ears, and I noticed that the stress started to decrease. I took them out, and had a bit of conversation over the coffee with my wife, just to realize that some of the sounds of her lovely voice, acted like sledgehammers to my brain. I plugged my ears back, and the hammering stopped, even as we continued chatting. And I’m sure this wasn’t the first time in over twenty years of marriage, but it was the first “conscious” occurrence.

What I realized is that probably, early in the day, when the ears adapt from the quietness of rest to the sounds of a new day, there could be a period of transition when they are overly sensitive, especially in the case of individuals susceptible to Sensory Overload.

So, I don’t know how others might feel about it, but earplugs first thing in the morning seem to be working fine for me J

 

More to come about Sight, Touch, Smell and Taste…

Where clouds merge…

Mad-Max-Fury-Road-Trailer-2-22-1280x532 (2)

Too late to paint the shades of darkness;

it’s after midnight, don’t you know?

So many wounds, and so much harshness,

of deaths outrunning lives too slow…

 

Do we remember our own image mirrored,

the smell of revenge on edges of time,

of tenderness scarred and hopes littered,

of poems unworthy of paper and rhyme?

 

Is this the end of all our beginnings?

Impossible lyrics to unwritten songs;

factual statements for obvious meanings,

no rights in the graveyards of all our wrongs…

I would have built robots

Featured Image -- 1065

“There’s a liberty that comes when everything is broken. There’s a freedom of purpose. “

Autism and expectations

When I was little I wanted to make robots. I was going to be an inventor. Robots were the future, they were going to be everything, and I was going to design them.

I’d spend ages drawing pictures of different tin-cans with claws and wheels and springs.

I remember being frustrated that I didn’t know how to put them together. I didn’t know how to create.

Whenever any appliance broke, I would ask if I could have a screwdriver and a hammer and take it apart.

It’s an adorable image, isn’t it? A small girl in her turquoise t-shirt dress with boats on it (labels secretly removed by her with the scissors she wasn’t allowed to use) sat at the kitchen table, carefully taking apart a toaster. Trying to find its secrets in the hopes that it would help her make robots.

Legs dangling from the chair. Chin barely above…

View original post 451 more words

Why the “rest” of the world is largely unaware of people on the spectrum

Featured Image -- 1058

As I may have mentioned before, I’m about halfway through my next degree, this time in Mental Health…
And exactly as the post’s writer, I’m a healthcare practitioner, who’s come to learn about Asperger’s after one my lecturers kindly (and I mean it…) asked: “Aren’t you just a tiny bit autistic?”
And looking back, I can see his many reasons:-)
And for those reading this, wondering why my blog’s name/title changed together with my area(s) of interest, rest assured, it’s still the me you’ve known for a while, with one MAJOR difference, as it looks that I have found a part of myself I didn’t know about, a part which the more I explore, the more I understand, and the more I understand, the more I learn to accept and respect.
I know it may sound silly, but I always felt like having had a lost twin brother without whom I felt incomplete. And strange enough, it feels like this unknown part of me might be exactly “what”, or better “whom” I missed. Further more, it becomes obvious that for minds always looking for all the pieces of all the puzzles constructing each detail of our perception of reality, the unknowing of ourselves leaves us scattered within, unable to find all the senses we need to exist.
So, I am deeply grateful for all the time you have spent reading and following my humble writing efforts, but please, and take it from my heart, feel absolutely free to stay around, or should you chose so, remain a kind memory:-)

the silent wave

Today marks exactly–and only–3 1/2 months since I discovered my membership on the Asperger’s/autism spectrum.

Before that, the possibility had never even so much as crossed my mind.

Being that I’m in the healthcare field, I’m embarrassed to admit just how little I knew about Asperger’s and the rest of the autism spectrum.  Sure, I was “aware” that it existed.  I even knew how to spot some of the more obvious autistic “behaviors”.  I knew about the “desperate” “plight” of mothers of children on the spectrum (who can miss that??).  I was familiar with several of the proposed causal/correlative/associative theories of autism, such as gut bacteria imbalance, methylation issues, sensory processing issues, and toxic overload.

All I knew about Asperger’s, though, was the (unfounded and completely inaccurate) claim of a “cold” and “detached” personality.

Since I had never even entertained the idea that I might be an Aspie myself…

View original post 914 more words

What does a meltdown Feel like?

Featured Image -- 1050

Recently, my world has been turned “upside down”, which is actually the “normal” for me, since I became aware of living on the Asperger’s Autistic Spectrum. And I so much wanted to write everything I feel, but poetry isn’t the best method of conveying organised thoughts. To my absolute surprise, someone living in the same universe but on a beautifully different planet, has written all my thoughts, neatly organised. And since permission was granted to re-blog, I’m gladly sharing her thoughts, many common to us, Aspies, beginning with this one, to be followed by many more, before my new blog, “Aspergreatness” will emerge…

the silent wave

In a relatively recent post, I explained the differences between a meltdown and a temper tantrum.  Even for those who haven’t personally experienced or witnessed a meltdown, it’s pretty easy to form a mental picture of what one looks like, using only minimal imagination; on the outside and at the surface, a meltdown resembles a garden variety tantrum (except that it’s not).

But few, if any, allistic people (those who aren’t on the autism spectrum) know what a meltdown actually feels like.  Truthfully, it can be tough to understand.  As with many other aspects of Asperger’s and the autism spectrum in general, it can be difficult to explain, and the details may vary among individual people, as do the thoughts, emotions, and “why”s behind it all.

I’m fortunate in that meltdowns don’t happen to me very often.  But I’ve had my share.  People have gotten hurt in the process. …

View original post 959 more words